Life Among the Never-Winged

Once upon a time I was writing a book called, "Just Another Love Letter", about angels behaving badly. Now I just quietly ask myself each day, "What the hell am I doing?"

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Location: The Rocky Mountain Empire, United States

My friends always knew I was going to hell. My only hope is that God likes good jokes and bad redheads.

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  • Thursday, March 06, 2008

    Communication Breakdown Part 1* – Does My Brain Look Fat?

    I'm back. You've got me for a week or so. Spring break, and instead of going down to Mexico and slurping pure agave Jell-O body shots off of young, firm collegiate bodies, I've decided to spend my time with you. See how much I love you?

    I just finished three exams, two of them mid-terms. They were tough; I was told to give up my idea of maintaining a 4.0 average. But I've aced two of them, and I think I did ok on the third.

    I didn't cheat. I didn't guess. I studied to the detriment of my once-clean house and nicely-maintained friendships. So why doesn't it feel real? Why does it feel like I haven't earned these grades? Why do I feel like I faked it?

    I have a little previous experience with this. It reminds me of when I was between 14 and 20, and every time I looked in the mirror I saw these huge, fat thighs. So I lost and lost and lost weight, until size zero shorts hung off me. And I still saw those thighs. I still see them when I look back, despite what my clothes and my friends said. I'm over that now.

    But it seems to have been replaced by this. I used to have confidence in my grades. They defined me. Now I'm looking into an intellectual mirror and seeing an idiot. I know I'm not. Relatively speaking. But I don't see it, I don't feel it, I'm walking on air and trusting I won't fall.

    I'm my own unreliable narrator. But you believe me, don't you?

    Who else has areas in their lives like this? Or am I the only one?

    *The general theme swirling around my life right now is communication gone haywire (just when I'm leaving the field of communications). So I've got a few posts in mind...

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    14 people left me a love letter:

    Blogger meno wrote in a love letter...

    So i am here now, and this is the time (see below.)

    It's all relative, it's true you don't know much, but most people know even less. That makes you smart.

    Scary isn't it?

    1:59 PM, March 06, 2008  
    Blogger Maggie wrote in a love letter...

    "Welcome back,
    To that same old place that you laughed about.

    Well the names have all changed since you hung around,
    But those dreams have remained and they're turned around.

    Welcome back, welcome back."

    Mirrors? No I NEVER look in mirrors and I never doubt that what I see is not a stellar mom...

    2:17 PM, March 06, 2008  
    Blogger Irrelephant wrote in a love letter...

    Sounds like you've driven yourself so hard that your expectations have way outstripped somber, poor little Reality. You've whipped and driven your goals so hard and for so long that they're lost in the distance, and now nothing can reach them.

    I graduated college with a 2.32 GPA, darlin', and am still far smarter than the average monkey. Tell you what, go gather up Maggie and Meno and Mona and Schmoop and anyone else you can think of who needs a break from snow or studying or whatever and ya'll come down here to LA. All the green trees and grass you can stomach, mild temps (it's been 70 the past few days) and I'll even scramble fresh yard eggs for brekkie.

    5:12 PM, March 06, 2008  
    Blogger Stucco wrote in a love letter...

    Tell us more about your thighs...

    5:37 PM, March 06, 2008  
    Blogger ms chica wrote in a love letter...

    I was that focused in the past. I never came to any conclusions about it then either.

    Now, I realize gpa is a population sampling of intelligence. It doesn't reflect how much information you know, or more importantly, how much you have learned.

    6:22 PM, March 06, 2008  
    Blogger liv wrote in a love letter...

    what maggie said.

    i do look in the mirror. never miss a chance to give my inner critic the stare down.

    6:32 PM, March 06, 2008  
    Blogger Gordo wrote in a love letter...

    I live in near constant fear that my employer will find out that I have no idea what I'm doing and that I've been faking it for five years. I work in IT and the systems are running tickety-boo, so I know that's not true, but it still keeps nagging at me.

    I'm told it's called "imposter syndrome".

    I'll drive to Irr's if you want to go. :-)

    6:50 PM, March 06, 2008  
    Blogger Scott from Oregon wrote in a love letter...

    There is an internet IQ test you can take. Whenever you aren't feeling brilliant, just take the damn test. I've been taking it for years and my IQ just keeps getting better and better...

    11:31 PM, March 06, 2008  
    OpenID wheelsonthebus wrote in a love letter...

    1) Thighs always look fat.
    2) Grad school did this to me. Everyone there was smart, so we all felt stupid.

    4:56 AM, March 07, 2008  
    Blogger Mona Buonanotte wrote in a love letter...

    You had me at "Jello body shots...firm collegiate bodies". Why else do you think I live in a college town??

    And you are certainly not the only one with an unreliable narrator. I second-guess everything, parenting, my ability to hold a thought for more than a second. Maybe it means I'll work harder. Or maybe it means I need y'all to police me. Either way, I totally beat you in the thighs department.

    I say we take Irrelephant up on his offer for a visit and breakfast. I'll bring the turkey bacon. And the champagne for mimosas.

    5:05 PM, March 07, 2008  
    Blogger Clowncar wrote in a love letter...

    But we are all unreliable narrators of our own lives, right? Isn't that one of the defining characteristics of blogging?

    At any rate, Smarty-Pants, those of us with a more objective POV know you will wreck the curve yet again when those grades come in.

    7:45 PM, March 07, 2008  
    Blogger Bud wrote in a love letter...

    Hey, I'm sorry, I don't get that one. Have no experience with good grades or fat thieghs, real or imagined. All I can say is you are a pearl. Just accept that.

    1:36 PM, March 08, 2008  
    Blogger amusing wrote in a love letter...

    If it isn't one thing....

    it's that long list of all the other things.....

    8:26 PM, April 01, 2008  
    Blogger Vulgar Wizard wrote in a love letter...

    *raises hand*

    3:22 PM, May 04, 2008  

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