Communication Breakdown Part 1* – Does My Brain Look Fat?
I'm back. You've got me for a week or so. Spring break, and instead of going down to Mexico and slurping pure agave Jell-O body shots off of young, firm collegiate bodies, I've decided to spend my time with you. See how much I love you?
I just finished three exams, two of them mid-terms. They were tough; I was told to give up my idea of maintaining a 4.0 average. But I've aced two of them, and I think I did ok on the third.
I didn't cheat. I didn't guess. I studied to the detriment of my once-clean house and nicely-maintained friendships. So why doesn't it feel real? Why does it feel like I haven't earned these grades? Why do I feel like I faked it?
I have a little previous experience with this. It reminds me of when I was between 14 and 20, and every time I looked in the mirror I saw these huge, fat thighs. So I lost and lost and lost weight, until size zero shorts hung off me. And I still saw those thighs. I still see them when I look back, despite what my clothes and my friends said. I'm over that now.
But it seems to have been replaced by this. I used to have confidence in my grades. They defined me. Now I'm looking into an intellectual mirror and seeing an idiot. I know I'm not. Relatively speaking. But I don't see it, I don't feel it, I'm walking on air and trusting I won't fall.
I'm my own unreliable narrator. But you believe me, don't you?
Who else has areas in their lives like this? Or am I the only one?
*The general theme swirling around my life right now is communication gone haywire (just when I'm leaving the field of communications). So I've got a few posts in mind...