Life Among the Never-Winged

Once upon a time I was writing a book called, "Just Another Love Letter", about angels behaving badly. Now I just quietly ask myself each day, "What the hell am I doing?"

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Location: The Rocky Mountain Empire, United States

My friends always knew I was going to hell. My only hope is that God likes good jokes and bad redheads.

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  • Tuesday, March 11, 2008

    Communication Breakdown II – The Right Place at the Right Time








    I was studying when he came into the coffeehouse bakery and took a table three down from mine, one that required bar stools -- a table above the others around it.


    When his friends came in a few minutes later, he greeted them loudly with, “So where have you assholes been?” A man-hug* for his buddy, a 'hello' for his buddy's wife, a pulled-out a stool for his own wife.


    They were in their late forties, I'd guess, perhaps the first steps into their fifties. Very nice clothes. Full make-up and perfect hair at 9 AM on a Sunday. Typical for this area.


    The wife's voice was very animated, out of concordance with her face which did not move much. I could almost make out the injection sites. So we'll call her Ms. Botox, wife of Lord Loudmouth.


    Lord Loudmouth told us all about his Saturday:


    “We were at one of those Catholic weddings, you know, the whole deal. So it's time to go up for communion or whatever, and I figure that I'll fuck with them! Hee hee, they don't let you go up unless you're a Catholic, but I figured, 'What the hell!' I'll go up and fuck with the priest...”


    Now, may I point out that not only does this show terrible disrespect for other people's beliefs, but that it shows TREMENDOUS disrespect for his 'friends' up there getting married.


    And then Ms. Botox injects her poison opinion, “The Catholics are such snobs about that. It's just a snobby religion, ha ha ha!”


    Ok. Catholicism is like my Alma Mater; I've graduated from it, I'm not there anymore, but I really don't like to hear it get dissed by the other teams.


    But I was good. Kept my mouth shut. Live and let live. Free country, you get to talk about whatever you want at whichever decibel you want, and make yourself sound like the biggest ill-informed turd you want, especially in coffee shops. Yay, America works!


    So the next time I was packing up my books to study, O said, “Hey, why don't you try the library down the street? It's quiet there and you won't have to listen to Ms. Botox slam Catholicism.”


    Great idea! And I won't have to spend $1.75 on lousy coffee either. Cool.


    Well, it turns out the library is not so quiet. I'm there at the after-school rush hour. All the teens are meeting with their tutors one-on-one. So I get a little background noise from a girl, maybe 15, who's trying to graph something. That's ok.


    About an hour into,'Which is x and which is y again?' the tutor asks when Teenie's mom is coming to pick her up. Teenie answers that mom'll be by in about an hour, and the tutor then asks, “Ok, so we have time if you want to talk about that other thing...”


    Pop! Pop! Up go my ears...


    “You remind me of myself at your age,” says the tutor. “I went to Catholic school too, I really liked what they had to say about religion and faith, they really stressed learning, and I wanted to become Catholic—”

    “Your parents weren't Catholic either?”

    “No. And they were against it. But I listened to my faith,and I did become Catholic. But it's your decision. You have to think about it, and pray, and listen to your faith...”


    She went on, and it segued into tutoring Teenie's religion homework.


    Then mom showed up.


    I had my back to them, but my, what a familiar voice...


    “Time to go, Teenie. How much do I owe you, Tutor?”


    When I got up to make a copy I noticed her face was moving more freely. I guess Botox wears off in a matter of days...





    *one arm, three pats on the back standing for 'I'm. Not. Gay.'







    Labels: , , ,

    19 people left me a love letter:

    Blogger meno wrote in a love letter...

    Oh the cosmic occurence that happened here.

    just to note: i ain't never injecting stuff into my face. Despite the fact that i probably should.

    9:43 PM, March 11, 2008  
    Blogger liv wrote in a love letter...

    Oh, I so hope that Teenie becomes Catholic. Heh.

    9:45 PM, March 11, 2008  
    Anonymous Duckie wrote in a love letter...

    hehehehehe how funny would that be if teenie converts!!!?? ooh you need to start taking a camera with you EVERYWHEHRE now because you know you will run into them again!

    2:42 AM, March 12, 2008  
    Blogger Maggie wrote in a love letter...

    Ok, first I breathed a sigh of relief that he wasn't cajoling her into things she's too young for. Then I laughed at the irony, how glorious.

    and Meno, you so don't need to.

    4:30 AM, March 12, 2008  
    Blogger Mona Buonanotte wrote in a love letter...

    Karma strikes again!

    Maybe you're meant to be a secret spy to this family...how cool to listen to their soap opera! And regale us with their shenanigans, of course!

    5:24 AM, March 12, 2008  
    Blogger Des_Moines_Girl wrote in a love letter...

    Unbelieveable! The universe is such a fun and funny place to live.

    7:03 AM, March 12, 2008  
    Blogger Irrelephant wrote in a love letter...

    You know, I hate to admit it but I thought for sure this was about to turn into a "Dear Penthouse" letter.

    What gets me is that you don't seem to live in a small town but somehow you seem to find things happening to you that sound like they're right out of Lake Woebegone. *G* Please don't stop.

    8:44 AM, March 12, 2008  
    Blogger Gordo wrote in a love letter...

    Wrinkles are awesome, I simply don't understand the damage people do to themselves to avoid them.

    Lake Woebegone on druge, methinks. ;-)

    8:55 AM, March 12, 2008  
    Anonymous Rudi wrote in a love letter...

    >Ok. Catholicism is like my Alma Mater; I've graduated from it, I'm not there anymore

    I am so going to steal that line.

    >but I really don't like to hear it get dissed by the other teams.

    True but do you still make a few jokes about them yourself? In the
    way that some 'pick-an-ethnicity' people make self referential jokes?

    I mean, I like a good "Italian French-Canadian Irish-Catholic Russian-Jew" joke as much as the next Italian French-Canadian Irish-Catholic Russian-Jew guy out there.

    Irrelephant said...
    You know, I hate to admit it but I thought for sure this was about to turn into a "Dear Penthouse" letter.

    Stucco was already unzipping.

    10:02 AM, March 12, 2008  
    Blogger JustCallMeJo wrote in a love letter...

    *snicker*

    I hope she becomes Catholic, too.
    /jo

    p.s. I don't see them here, at Paris.

    11:03 AM, March 12, 2008  
    Blogger Stucco wrote in a love letter...

    I say fuck with all the Catholic priests you want- paybacks for all the altar boys. Although the point about being disrespectful to ones friends is valid.

    Like I said to that priest in Vegas- "Are you defrocking kidding me?"

    Oh, for peace and quiet? Go to a Hummer dealership.

    8:55 PM, March 12, 2008  
    Blogger Lucia wrote in a love letter...

    Ironikarma.

    6:41 AM, March 13, 2008  
    Blogger Clowncar wrote in a love letter...

    This blog is the Devil's Newspaper! Repent!

    Actually, it's more like the Devil's Horoscope, inside the Devil's Arts and Entertainment Section. Right next to the Devil's Jumble.

    9:08 AM, March 13, 2008  
    Blogger Bud wrote in a love letter...

    What a fabulous twist! Like you, I agree that it's extremely rude to bash somebody's beliefs publicly. And like you, I gave that club up LONG ago. But I never feel at all defensive when hearing somebody slam my ex-church. They deserve it. I couldn't wish a worse fate on the botox asshole.

    12:17 PM, March 13, 2008  
    Blogger Nancy Dancehall wrote in a love letter...

    The Universe has the best sense of humor. And wadaya mean you need Botox, Meno? I guess if you want to look 30 and plastic instead of 35.

    Hee! I do too. I want Teenie to follow her heart...naw, I really just want her to yank her parents' chain.

    I need to, Duckie. They'll just think I'm paparazzi anyway.

    Oh, the tutor was a she, Maggie. All the same, my ears grew.

    Instant karma's gonna get you. ;-) I think I was meant to hear A LOT of soap operas, Mona.

    Isn't it, DMG? Especially when it's happening to someone else. :-)

    *snort* You and everyone else apparently, Ir. Well, this Village is kind of small within its borders. But I swear by Gaiman's theorem that there are really only 300 people in the world and we just keep bumping into each other. Plus I thing there was a bit of entanglement going on here.

    I love wrinkles too, Gordo. Crow's feet make people look happier. Lake Woebegone on Botox for sure. ;-)

    So an Italian French-Canadian Irish-Catholic Russian-Jew walks into a blog... ;-) Sure, of course I make jokes about Catholicism. I have the better part of a novel written that's chock-full of of jokes about Catholicism. And I can't resist a good German French-Canadian Irish-Catholic Polish-Jew English-Imperialist Cherokee joke. Oh, and I think you nailed Stucco. :-D

    Yeah I love Paris, Jo, but you get the same old homogeneous crowd of black leathered, purple haired, facially pierced little Gothicky things all the time. You don't get the same kind of diversity I do.

    Yeah, but not at a friend's wedding, Stucco. Poor form. Hummer dealership? You've been to one? I might go with some ELFs...

    Aint it, Alanis? Er, Lucia I mean. Your voodoo art is pretty, but it scares me. Zombies and all that. ;-)

    Best. Comment. Ever. I'm stealing that. I want to play the Devil's Jumble. I'm still laughing, Clowncar.

    I could NOT believe it when I heard her voice, Bud. It was worth the extra dime I spent on a copy just to verify Ms. Botox.

    5:02 PM, March 13, 2008  
    Blogger ms chica wrote in a love letter...

    Poetic justice.

    8:18 PM, March 13, 2008  
    Blogger Nancy Dancehall wrote in a love letter...

    The best kind, Chica.

    9:33 PM, March 13, 2008  
    Anonymous Rudi wrote in a love letter...

    Hey Pants,

    I know this is my second pass at this one but I haven't been able to get it out of my mind.

    I was blinded by my religious thoughts or just the plain easy chance to crack a joke. Not very good of me, I'll try to be better.

    Now back to the story ...

    That last line is haunting me:
    >I noticed her face was moving more freely. I guess Botox wears off in a matter of days...

    Was Ms. Botox more at ease with out Lord Loudmouth around?

    If so, and I hope so because I think that makes for a much better story, then why? Is it:
    * just because Lord Loudmouth is a loud mouth?
    * his anti-catholic rants
    * was he drunk and pinching behinds at the wedding?
    * does Ms. Botox say the Rosary in the closet?
    * is Ms Botox "in the closet" with the tutor?

    9:48 PM, March 28, 2008  
    Blogger amusing wrote in a love letter...

    WHat IS it with you and the world of odd coincidence?

    8:30 PM, April 01, 2008  

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