Thanks, Amusing, for the great meme!
If My Childhood Plans Had Worked Out:
(Well, I'll tell you one of them, one that actually takes place on THIS planet...)
I would be writing my latest bestseller, a genre-crosser involving details gleaned from my earlier days as an astronaut, my world travels as a war corespondent, and my hot, doomed romances (no astronaut adult diaper jokes, please).
I live in a beach house on Cherry Lane with my immortal black Siamese cats named Poe and Raven, my hedgehog named Pixie, my Florida king snake named Cassandra and a Jack Russel Terrier named Sam. My property is home to a warren of rabbits that never bother my gardens, foxes than never bother the rabbits, wolves that never bother the foxes, and a host of songbirds that certainly never bother anybody.
The house is really more of a cottage, surrounded by cottage gardens that grow beautifully despite the salt air. I've grown everything from seed in my perfect greenhouse, and have managed to breed the world's only true blue tulips and roses. There are ancient oaks on the property, and beech trees, forests, meadows, a pond, a creek, a barn, a few guest houses and of course the wide white beach. Every year, the dolphins migrate past my 'yard' and I swim with them; that is, if I'm not on a world-wide book tour. I missed them one year when I was out with Dave Barry, Stephen King, Scott Turow, Amy Tan, Kathi Kamen Goldmark, James McBride, Roy Blount, Jr. and Matt Groening, singing lead in our rock group, The Rock Bottom Remainders.
I have a butler named Hudson who oversees all my needs and has dedicated his life's work to me. I also have a masseuse and a cook named Mrs. Bridges (Hudson's wife of course) who clucks and fusses over me when I forget to eat because I'm so busy writing.
All my friends have become successful artists, writers, actors, musicians and what have you, and they all live within walking or biking distance. I host parties all the time, mostly barn dances under the full moon. My buddy Dave Matthews LOVES playing these gigs. Tim O'Brien loves playing these quaint little affairs too, as does Bela Fleck, Allison Krauss, Neil Young, oh, too many to mention! Sting stops by often with Trudy and the kids, (he's a big fan of mine and admires my intellect) but has only performed a few times. Mostly we just sit in the library and talk.
And after so many years of doomed romances, I think I've found The One. He lives in England, loves gardening, cooking, music, The Addams Family, Ray Bradbury, painting, horseback riding and sweeping me off my feet me with terribly romantic gestures. He's also wickedly handsome, terribly funny and occasionally brooding. But, I bring him out of his melancholia with my smile.