Life Among the Never-Winged

Once upon a time I was writing a book called, "Just Another Love Letter", about angels behaving badly. Now I just quietly ask myself each day, "What the hell am I doing?"

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Location: The Rocky Mountain Empire, United States

My friends always knew I was going to hell. My only hope is that God likes good jokes and bad redheads.

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  • Friday, February 02, 2007

    Hejira

    Ok, so


    hi.


    Sorry about my whinefest on the 31st. I had my follow-up appointment that day, and the news wasn't good.


    Turns out I was not hallucinating, and Dr. S did indeed say I might want my ovary removed. He was surprised that I'd heard him. But anesthesia does funny things, and I didn't really want to be under anyway, as we all know.


    Dr. S saw some other “irregularities” that disturbed him enough to take a few biopsies. Thankfully, they all came back benign. We'll redress the issues in three months, at my next appointment.


    I don't know. All I know is that the pain has returned. It's...discouraging.


    For the past few days I've curled up inside myself, dreaming of flights away from...I don't know. The snow, the pain, the fear? To someplace where no one knows me, where even my body can't find me. My dreams are unfamiliar. I'm with people I don't know, we're waiting at night for something to happen. Outside I can hear the ocean, but I know that if I open the door and look it will only be the wind blowing across dry sand and stones that never saw the bottom of a river.


    Anyway, thank you so much for sticking around, reading and cheering me up with comments and emails. Because you have.

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    26 people left me a love letter:

    Blogger Scott from Oregon wrote in a love letter...

    Sorry sweetie. I am holding back the urge to tell you tooth pain tales and ghost pains in my brother's balls tales...

    In other words, I want to share pain with you, maybe help you with yours...

    I once hit my nuts on the crossbar of my bicycle so hard I vomited.

    9:24 PM, February 02, 2007  
    Blogger Stucco wrote in a love letter...

    You and O need a vacation. I hear Seattle is nice this time of year....

    9:36 PM, February 02, 2007  
    Anonymous clowncar wrote in a love letter...

    Wow, now I feel guilty for saying "waaaaa." Mea culpa.

    I found out today that means "I am guilty." I always thought it meant "I am sorry."

    Anyway. Hang in there. February is the shortest month of the year.

    9:44 PM, February 02, 2007  
    Blogger meno wrote in a love letter...

    And i am in Seattle, so that would be good.

    Thinking good painfree thoughts, because that is all i can do, from here.

    10:24 PM, February 02, 2007  
    Blogger Schmoopie wrote in a love letter...

    I wish we could talk it out over lunch at Tuk Tuk. This time of year is difficult. But, the sun will shine and your garden will grow again this spring. Happy pills work well too (um, I hear! :) )

    Miss you, Pants!

    10:34 PM, February 02, 2007  
    Blogger JustCallMeJo wrote in a love letter...

    'Benign' is a wonderfully important word to hear. Not that this is consolation at the moment. As your nurse, I do want to hear full details of course.

    The sun is coming. It really is. Groundhog day and all that.

    really.
    /jo

    10:57 PM, February 02, 2007  
    Blogger Des_Moines_Girl wrote in a love letter...

    I'm so sorry! Hang in there. Everything is going to be just fine.

    Big hugs!

    7:43 AM, February 03, 2007  
    Anonymous Rudi wrote in a love letter...

    I too am tempted to tell tales of woe and pain in an attempt to commiserate. To let you know you are not alone.

    But misery, I believe, does NOT love company in this case. It might
    feel good to know some other people "get it" and understand your pain.
    But you know better than anybody else how much it sucks and you feel sorry for them.

    The occasional whinefest (as long as you know that's what it is, which you do cuz you called it that yourself) is fine. Hell, kick it up a notch, go for a full fledged bitch fest girl!

    It hurts, it sucks, it's not fair and you're God Damned tired of living with this shit!

    Say it. Stand up on a chair and scream it. Just don't don't get addicted to it.

    Those of us around you, or others in pain, can't do much to help sometimes.
    We can just simply agree that it sucks, help you down from the chair, tell you that we love you then ask what we can make you for dinner.

    11:27 AM, February 03, 2007  
    Blogger Maggie wrote in a love letter...

    Yup, it sucks. "dreaming of flights away from...where even my body can't find me" - yes. Pain be damned, its no way to live. Sending warm thoughts and hugs hugs hugs.

    2:04 PM, February 03, 2007  
    Blogger amusing wrote in a love letter...

    Clowncar -- I always thought it was "I'm guilty" -- as in "culpable" THanks for the enlightenment about actual def.

    Madame Dancehall: After official Board Review, your post of the 31st does not qualify for "Whinefest" status, though it does entitle you to open a bottle of wine. Ask Dantares for a recommendation.

    I was curled up in bed the other day. Pain like when babies come. I too had a dream, with the ocean. Maybe we were in adjoining cabanas, dear? I'll get us drinks next time. What would you like?

    5:37 PM, February 03, 2007  
    Anonymous Rudi wrote in a love letter...

    Not enough guilt ridden Catholics out there?

    I'm to young for the Latin Mass (plus I left) but Ma was raised back in the day.

    mea culpa,
    mea culpa,
    mea maxima culpa.

    was part of the confessional. See:
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mea_Culpa

    9:00 PM, February 03, 2007  
    Blogger Cheesy wrote in a love letter...

    Nancy!! May I ask WHY they don't just remove it??? Are you planning more kiddos?? Ovary pain is not to be trifled with... They left a part of mine after the big C Op..but it started to cause woes a few years later,, not worth holding on to for hormone help..It's so simple.. They just sucked the little bastard out of my belly button.. POOF.... No more agony

    9:44 AM, February 04, 2007  
    Blogger Popeye wrote in a love letter...

    Oh, that really sucks. I'll send good thoughts and prayers your way. . .

    10:30 AM, February 04, 2007  
    Blogger Nancy Dancehall wrote in a love letter...

    Thanks, Scott, :-) I hope you've since rcovered from your unfortunate bike ride!

    I understand Seattle is nice ANY time of the year, Stucco. And I've got a place to stay there, and people to see...

    No need for mea culpas no matter which meaning, Clowncar. I was vague. And I'd take this over back to back tonsillectomies on the little ones any day.

    See? Meno's just one of many good people I have to visit in Seattle and environs. :-)

    I made Thai last night, Schmoop. My variation on Massoman Curry and fried noodles. I'm thinking about looking into the happy pills. *sigh*

    Yeah, benign is a very good word, Jo. So far so good.

    Thanks, DMG. I know I'm in good hands. How's the little Joey on board?

    "It hurts, it sucks, it's not fair and you're God Damned tired of living with this shit!" Amen, Rudi! Thanks for saying it for me. Dinner? How 'bout some chowdah? ;-) And when are you getting a website, anyway? :-)

    Thanks, Maggie! I know you've had your share of surgery. *big hugs back*

    How about splitting a nice bottle of Pinot Noir, Amusing? Sounds like you could use some too. The cabanas beat the campus I dreamed we were on, so lets hang out there. :-)

    *raising hand to answer the 'guilt-ridden Catholic' question*

    Cheese, dear, I think you and I have a LOT in common. No, I'm not planning anymore kiddos. That's well neigh impossible now. So you didn't have hormone trouble afterward? That's what gives me pause. If you wouldn't mind, I'd love it if you'd email me. nancy_dancehall at yahoo.

    Thanks, Popeye. You're a doll. :-) How's Chicago this Superbowl Sunday?

    2:43 PM, February 04, 2007  
    Blogger patches wrote in a love letter...

    C'mon, Nancy, cut yourself some slack. I have to agree with Amusing, 63(+/-) words hardly constitutes a whinefest, and it only meets the minimum requirements for moderate bitching. If my weather was as cold as yours, I'd probably curl up inside myself for a few days too....it's the only way to keep warm.

    You have my good wishes and sympathy on your health issues. Sometimes a change of scenery does wonders for the heart and spirit.

    4:49 PM, February 04, 2007  
    Blogger Nancy Dancehall wrote in a love letter...

    Ah, but it's all relative, Patches. I don't whine, usually. (Heh. I can hear O laugh now). Thanks or the good wishes!

    7:32 PM, February 04, 2007  
    Blogger David wrote in a love letter...

    All I can say is that you have my empathy and my prayers. When I was going through my season of health and emotional hell, I found writing a great solace. Sometimes writing really is the best form of exorcism.

    6:23 AM, February 05, 2007  
    Blogger Nancy wrote in a love letter...

    It certanly is, David. Thanks for stopping by.

    10:03 AM, February 05, 2007  
    Blogger Esereth wrote in a love letter...

    "For the past few days I've curled up inside myself...."

    That was really beautiful Nancy. I'm so sorry.

    12:46 PM, February 05, 2007  
    Blogger Maggie wrote in a love letter...

    Hey Nancy, I have off topic questions you might be able to help me with. I was wondering if you might consider emailing me? tembilina_at_hotmail

    12:17 PM, February 06, 2007  
    Blogger Irrelephant wrote in a love letter...

    Be strong, dear. And when you have to vent, let it out. Trust me on that one. As for happy pills? I'm about to quit mine--one year of being forcibly happy, and I'm not sure if it helped or not. Report to follow. *big hug*

    4:23 PM, February 06, 2007  
    Anonymous d-man wrote in a love letter...

    Hugs.

    1:59 AM, February 07, 2007  
    Blogger Lucia wrote in a love letter...

    Things to remember:

    1) Doctors make suggestions to cover their butts more often than not. If he didn't suggest this, he may be liable if they find something later.

    2) Pain's a bitch. Cut yourself slack.

    3) Life without an ovary ain't so bad. I'm minus one ovary and a uterus too.

    6:21 PM, February 07, 2007  
    Blogger Nancy Dancehall wrote in a love letter...

    Thanks, Esereth I'm feeling much better now.

    And I owe you another email tonight, Maggie.

    Thanks, Ir. I'll be wating for that report. I hope it goes easy for you. *hug*

    *hugs back* D-Man. :-)

    I'm so sorry to hear that, Lucia. It breaks my heart every time I talk to yet another woman who's had to endure this.
    I'd be interested in knowing if you had any severe mood swings after the surgery.

    4:59 PM, February 08, 2007  
    Blogger Mother of Invention wrote in a love letter...

    Good luck on your next appointment. I have known a ton of health problems, not all that painful but I sure do know scary.

    7:17 PM, February 14, 2007  
    Blogger Nancy Dancehall wrote in a love letter...

    Thanks, MOI. :-)

    9:46 PM, February 16, 2007  

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