Anatomy of a Breakdown
2:15 Pick up twins from school. Offer to watch third 4-year-old schoolmate so his mom can get ready for MLM cosmetic party tonight.
2:16 Declan says, “Mommy, I don't feel good. I want to go home and go to sleep.” Forehead feels feverish.
2:30 Mom and third 4-year-old show up on doorstep. Say, “Well, Declan has a fever and he's asleep. I'd hate for A. to get sick...” Watch mom (who has a set of younger twin boys, so I don't blame her one bit) run toward the minivan, shouting, “Ohit'sokhe'llbefineseeyoutonightatsix!”
2:31 – 3:05 Jack and A. play like a couple of angels while Declan naps on the couch. Bliss.
3:06 Jack and A. announce hunger. Make peanut butter and jelly sandwich for A. Serve with juice. Crack and mix two eggs for Jack and pour into pan.
3:07 A. Drops entire cup of juice into lap and onto floor. Sound of cup hitting floor with a 'clang' wakes Declan on couch.
3:07:30 A. Apologizes for dropping cup. Tell him it's ok, while handing him a towel, since he doesn't have a change of clothes. Drop another towel on floor over sticky juice and mop with foot.
3:08:52 Watch as A. hears Declan awaken, and jumps up to see him. Run after him, knowing the inevitable.
3:09:57 A. tickles the newly-awakened, sick-feeling Declan as you shout, “Noooooo don't do that!”
3:10:05 Watch as Declan spews forth his mostly-but-by-no-means-entirely-digested school snack all over the couch and floor.
3:10:10 – 3:11 Grab towel and mop down Declan, while catching further snack in said towel. Wipe down couch and carpet while telling Declan it's going to be all right. Note sound of screaming A. and Jack trailing off into the distance, and the slamming of a door.
3:11:10 Hear volume of other two boys increase and realize that they have also trapped an excitable Jack Russell Terrier, who is a Good Boy, but like the rest of us has his limits when it comes to 4-year-old boys.
3:11:11 Run for closed bedroom, thinking that JRT has snapped and bitten A. Lawsuits to follow.
3:11:13 Door is locked. Shout, “Open this door RIGHT NOW! Are you Ok?!”
3:11:18 Door opens. They are fine but complain loudly of the smell of puke, and claim to be escaping it. JRT is crouching in the corner. Good Boy.
3:11:20 Tell boys to leave bedroom right now. A. complies, Jack refuses. Pick up Jack and put him outside bedroom, muttering things under your breath that would make a longshoreman blush.
3:11:30 Declan still mighty upset about puking. Grab another towel and mop him up. Mop up couch and floor. Watch as Good Boy JRT 'helps' with the floor. Try not to be sick yourself while actually thanking him for his assistance. Surmise that school snack must have been chocolate cupcake with cheddar cheese curd sauce. Try again not to puke.
3:13 Calming Declan, cleaning mess, listening to Jack and A. complain loudly of 'horrible puke smell.' Smell something yourself over horrible puke smell.
3:13:05 Remember what you were doing when all this started.
3:13:06 Make mad dash to stove where Jack's eggs are damn near blackening on the bottom. Remove skillet from heat.
3:14 Dump nasty mess into garbage can.
3:14:05 Jack asks for eggs. Scramble two more eggs. Watch them congeal on plate while Jack, Declan (who feels perfectly fine now) and A. dash outside to play. Breathe.
3:16:05 – 3:19 A. re-enters house saying, “My socks are wet.” Realize he dashed outside into the melting snow without shoes. Remove socks, consider washing them, then just toss them in the dryer instead. Shod him, sockless because he'd never fit into your boyos' socks. Send him back outside.
3:20 Stare at clock and realize you have THREE HOURS TO GO.
3:21 – 6:15 Change Declan's clothes, break up various fights, wash cushion cover and towels and D's clothing, put in new DVD in computer, change it out because they changed their minds, break up more fights, rinse, repeat.
6:15:05 Consider Declan's puking as perfect excuse to skip MLM cosmetic party.
6:15:06 Jack runs upstairs ecstatically shouting, “A. says we're invited to a party tonight!” Realize you are doomed.
9:20 Feeling a couple glasses of free, good, merlot from the party, blog the day. Add that A.'s mom is great, as is A.