Life Among the Never-Winged

Once upon a time I was writing a book called, "Just Another Love Letter", about angels behaving badly. Now I just quietly ask myself each day, "What the hell am I doing?"

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Location: The Rocky Mountain Empire, United States

My friends always knew I was going to hell. My only hope is that God likes good jokes and bad redheads.

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  • Thursday, February 22, 2007

    Anatomy of a Breakdown

    2:15 Pick up twins from school. Offer to watch third 4-year-old schoolmate so his mom can get ready for MLM cosmetic party tonight.


    2:16 Declan says, “Mommy, I don't feel good. I want to go home and go to sleep.” Forehead feels feverish.


    2:30 Mom and third 4-year-old show up on doorstep. Say, “Well, Declan has a fever and he's asleep. I'd hate for A. to get sick...” Watch mom (who has a set of younger twin boys, so I don't blame her one bit) run toward the minivan, shouting, “Ohit'sokhe'llbefineseeyoutonightatsix!”


    2:31 – 3:05 Jack and A. play like a couple of angels while Declan naps on the couch. Bliss.


    3:06 Jack and A. announce hunger. Make peanut butter and jelly sandwich for A. Serve with juice. Crack and mix two eggs for Jack and pour into pan.


    3:07 A. Drops entire cup of juice into lap and onto floor. Sound of cup hitting floor with a 'clang' wakes Declan on couch.


    3:07:30 A. Apologizes for dropping cup. Tell him it's ok, while handing him a towel, since he doesn't have a change of clothes. Drop another towel on floor over sticky juice and mop with foot.


    3:08:52 Watch as A. hears Declan awaken, and jumps up to see him. Run after him, knowing the inevitable.


    3:09:57 A. tickles the newly-awakened, sick-feeling Declan as you shout, “Noooooo don't do that!”


    3:10:05 Watch as Declan spews forth his mostly-but-by-no-means-entirely-digested school snack all over the couch and floor.


    3:10:10 – 3:11 Grab towel and mop down Declan, while catching further snack in said towel. Wipe down couch and carpet while telling Declan it's going to be all right. Note sound of screaming A. and Jack trailing off into the distance, and the slamming of a door.


    3:11:10 Hear volume of other two boys increase and realize that they have also trapped an excitable Jack Russell Terrier, who is a Good Boy, but like the rest of us has his limits when it comes to 4-year-old boys.


    3:11:11 Run for closed bedroom, thinking that JRT has snapped and bitten A. Lawsuits to follow.


    3:11:13 Door is locked. Shout, “Open this door RIGHT NOW! Are you Ok?!”



    3:11:18 Door opens. They are fine but complain loudly of the smell of puke, and claim to be escaping it. JRT is crouching in the corner. Good Boy.


    3:11:20 Tell boys to leave bedroom right now. A. complies, Jack refuses. Pick up Jack and put him outside bedroom, muttering things under your breath that would make a longshoreman blush.


    3:11:30 Declan still mighty upset about puking. Grab another towel and mop him up. Mop up couch and floor. Watch as Good Boy JRT 'helps' with the floor. Try not to be sick yourself while actually thanking him for his assistance. Surmise that school snack must have been chocolate cupcake with cheddar cheese curd sauce. Try again not to puke.


    3:13 Calming Declan, cleaning mess, listening to Jack and A. complain loudly of 'horrible puke smell.' Smell something yourself over horrible puke smell.


    3:13:05 Remember what you were doing when all this started.


    3:13:06 Make mad dash to stove where Jack's eggs are damn near blackening on the bottom. Remove skillet from heat.


    3:14 Dump nasty mess into garbage can.


    3:14:05 Jack asks for eggs. Scramble two more eggs. Watch them congeal on plate while Jack, Declan (who feels perfectly fine now) and A. dash outside to play. Breathe.


    3:16:05 – 3:19 A. re-enters house saying, “My socks are wet.” Realize he dashed outside into the melting snow without shoes. Remove socks, consider washing them, then just toss them in the dryer instead. Shod him, sockless because he'd never fit into your boyos' socks. Send him back outside.


    3:20 Stare at clock and realize you have THREE HOURS TO GO.


    3:21 – 6:15 Change Declan's clothes, break up various fights, wash cushion cover and towels and D's clothing, put in new DVD in computer, change it out because they changed their minds, break up more fights, rinse, repeat.


    6:15:05 Consider Declan's puking as perfect excuse to skip MLM cosmetic party.


    6:15:06 Jack runs upstairs ecstatically shouting, “A. says we're invited to a party tonight!” Realize you are doomed.


    ***


    9:20 Feeling a couple glasses of free, good, merlot from the party, blog the day. Add that A.'s mom is great, as is A.

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    14 people left me a love letter:

    Blogger Bud wrote in a love letter...

    And the scariest part of this is that you will have to do this again. And again....

    I loved teaching with all my heart but really have no desire to go back to it. Teaching the uncoordiated and tone deaf to play guitar on a one to one basis is rewarding enough for me now. And none of that matches what you go through on a daily basis. I am in awe of you.

    5:40 AM, February 23, 2007  
    Blogger amusing wrote in a love letter...

    merlot.....mmmmmm......

    9:26 AM, February 23, 2007  
    Anonymous clowncar wrote in a love letter...

    You may have been aiming for harrowing but that was pretty funny. The "chocolate cupcake with cheddar cheese curd sauce" line, the "I have three hours to go" revelation, etc. Glad a Deus Ex Machina appeared in the form of merlot.

    10:33 AM, February 23, 2007  
    Blogger Scott from Oregon wrote in a love letter...

    doomed?

    10:44 AM, February 23, 2007  
    Blogger patches wrote in a love letter...

    Wow, Nance, I am in awe! I'm such weenie when it involves crisis management includes projectile vomiting.....You've talked me out of those chocolate cupcakes.

    1:23 PM, February 23, 2007  
    Blogger meno wrote in a love letter...

    Puke is one of those self-perpetuating things, as it makes one want to puke.

    Hope things settle down soon, but i know that they won't. Have anothe glass.

    7:13 PM, February 23, 2007  
    Blogger Schmoopie wrote in a love letter...

    Heh. I am newly employed in a 3-year-old classrom at a local preschool/care center. Yup...going to teach again. Am I crazy? You bet! But I love the little boogers (esp. J. and D. miss them terribly, puke and all!)

    I am now completely convinced that merlot fixes all of life's little problems beautifully. It is a bit embarassing here on recycling day. We have to recycle the wine bottles and they get set on the curb for all the neighbors to see. That doesn't keep us from "boozing it up" though :)

    10:35 PM, February 23, 2007  
    Blogger Maggie wrote in a love letter...

    merlot good, puke bad.

    and why is it the most tragic things happen while something is on the stove? I don't how many times I've had rice bubble over and mess up the entire stovetop or how many things have blackened in my cleaning absence.

    yes merlot good.

    12:17 PM, February 24, 2007  
    Blogger amusing wrote in a love letter...

    so, after a year goes by, how many of your posts do you think will have "puke" labels?

    12:44 PM, February 24, 2007  
    Blogger Nancy Dancehall wrote in a love letter...

    Bud! Make it stop make it stop! ;-) Hey, you raised kids, right? You've been through it.

    Like they say, Clowncar, 'Someday you'll look back on this and laugh.' Only took a couple of hours. And the deu ex machina was actually O, bless 'im.

    Yes, Scoot. Doomed. I now have a demo MLM skincare kit with a retail value of $265 that I need to return on Tuesday, and listen for a second time about the thousands of dollars I could be making by selling the stuff. Ugh.

    The upside of neutering, Patches. ;-)

    It's like a yawn, Meno. The Technicolor kind. ;-)

    Congrats, Schmoop! The little boogers miss you too. Yup, or rcycling is heavily on the side of black cans from Ireland...

    Amen, Maggie! Ugh, rice and pasta boil-overs are a bitch to clean up.

    lol! Good thing I only started blogging in '05, Amusing, or that label would be on every other post.

    4:32 PM, February 24, 2007  
    Blogger Cheesy wrote in a love letter...

    HOLY SHEEP DIP.. I'm exhausted for you sweety... but.. I have to admit.. I miss those crazy times. Thank you for the a...a... vunderbar? visuals lol..

    7:21 PM, February 24, 2007  
    Blogger Lucia wrote in a love letter...

    You're amazing to even have the strength after all of this to write about it!!

    10:20 AM, February 25, 2007  
    Blogger Nancy Dancehall wrote in a love letter...

    You know what it's all about, Cheesy. :-)

    Merlot gives me strength, Lucia. ;-) Your Rwanda trip has been a pleasure to read.

    10:06 PM, February 25, 2007  
    Blogger Da Duck wrote in a love letter...

    I had a breakdown reading that! geeeeeez...

    Need alcohol now;)

    3:35 AM, February 27, 2007  

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