Life Among the Never-Winged

Once upon a time I was writing a book called, "Just Another Love Letter", about angels behaving badly. Now I just quietly ask myself each day, "What the hell am I doing?"

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Location: The Rocky Mountain Empire, United States

My friends always knew I was going to hell. My only hope is that God likes good jokes and bad redheads.

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  • Friday, December 29, 2006

    Suburbarians -- Or -- Yes, We Have No Bananas

    Get this: it's SNOWING in Colorado. COLORADO. Can you believe it?

    It's pretty. But it does lead to some disturbing sights.


    During the last storm, O braved the snow and roads (being cooped up with me for two days will do that to a person) and drove to the grocery store. He came back whey-faced and trembling. (Ok, he wasn't trembling, and will correct me on that, but you get the idea).*

    “I just saw the scariest thing,” he said, not-trembling.

    “Nasty accident? Cannibals? Abominable snowman?”

    “No. The store's produce section was decimated. There was nothing. I grabbed the last two lemons. All the tangerines, oranges, apples, gone. All the lettuce, gone. All the potatoes gone. All the bananas, gone. Just a few plantains left, because they're funny-looking and no one knows what to do with them.”

    “No one but me.”

    “No one but you. All the baking goods are low. No sugar, no flour, nothing you could use to make cookies.” (Here he did tremble a little bit. I make GOOD cookies).

    “Wow.”

    “Yeah. JIT inventory.”

    “Huh?”

    “JIT. Just In Time inventory. It's how this country is run. All supplies are 'just in time'. Your average grocery store has about two to three days' worth of inventory. Everything is trucked across country.”

    “So you're saying—”

    “We're fucked, is what I'm saying.”

    “Yes, we have no bananas, we have no bananas today...” I sang.


    DID YOU KNOW that the late Anton LeVey, head of the Church of Satan, considered the aforementioned song, 'Satanic?' I'm not quite sure what he meant, but the spirit of shortage that this happy ditty illustrates does bring out the little devil in the Suburbarians living 'round these parts.


    After the last storm, my neighbor S. called to tell me about her husband. They had plans to go to Costco, toddler and baby twins in tow, but since he was already out he decided to go by himself.

    “And I'm glad he did,” S. told me. “They have police stationed at Costco.”


    Now, let me break in and tell you that this Costco is Upscale! with all that word implies. You want lobster, baked truffled brie in croute, kobe beef? Then this is Your Discount Warehouse.


    “You're kidding,” I replied.

    “Nope. People are getting into fistfights in the parking lot over parking spaces. They're fighting over food inside. He says it's scary and he's glad we didn't try to go with the twins.”

    “Geeeeez!”

    “Merry Christmas, huh?”

    “No doubt. Peace on Earth, now gimmie that Gouda before I slug you.”


    The Lexus Tribe of Greenwood Village gets ugly when it runs out of caviar before the holidays.

    Suburbarians.


    Me? I'm off to watch the fire and bake banana bread.




    *Technically, the empty grocery store gave him 'the ooogies'.



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    10 people left me a love letter:

    Blogger Schmoopie wrote in a love letter...

    You bake the best banana bread too! Effing suburbanites. That Costco has long been plagued with a lack of parking spaces. You'd think they'd take the hint and build a parking structure to actually solve the ongoing problem.

    8 inches huh? Very nice. Very nice. :)

    1:16 PM, December 29, 2006  
    Blogger Stucco wrote in a love letter...

    Oh dear lord dahling- we're down to DOMESTIC beer! It's a catastrophe! Call 911! Where is Homeland Security?

    Damned doughy spoiled white people.

    1:23 PM, December 29, 2006  
    Blogger meno wrote in a love letter...

    When i was little and lived in Virginia, we used to make snow ice cream. I suppose it would be radioactive these days.

    During our big power outage here i expected folks to come to fisticuffs over a can of Spam. I wouldn't fight for that, but for cheap lobster tails, maybe.

    Stay safe and sane.

    2:05 PM, December 29, 2006  
    Blogger Bud wrote in a love letter...

    That would be hysterical if it weren't true. Hey I have a plantain recipe on my blog today under Mofongo.

    3:07 PM, December 29, 2006  
    Blogger JustCallMeJo wrote in a love letter...

    Okay, we may be out of nog up at the Stapleton/Park Hill/City Park King's, but there were no fistfights. Civilized chatting in (looooooong) lines with the neighbors, acorn squash for the soup instead of butternut.

    One of my neighbors is an Espanol-primary speaking person who "likes to smoke the weed" and is a gang member. We don't know which gang (neither Katie and I know much Spanish). He's helped shovel Katie and I both out. And he does the sidewalks.

    And I supposedly live in the hood.

    Gouda shmouda.
    /jo

    5:04 PM, December 29, 2006  
    Blogger amusing wrote in a love letter...

    So how does one bake banana bread in the fire? Dear Bachelor tries to cook on his wood stove.

    6:06 PM, December 29, 2006  
    Blogger Misfit Duck wrote in a love letter...

    I find that people lose their minds during the holidays. A time when everyone is supposed to be happy and jolly, people are mean, selfish and rude. So far Swedes seems to be nice during the holidays.....so far.....;)

    6:16 PM, December 29, 2006  
    Blogger Dantares wrote in a love letter...

    I've bene expecting this.
    I'll compile my evidence and post tommorow.
    Dantares.

    6:28 PM, December 29, 2006  
    Blogger Scott from Oregon wrote in a love letter...

    Those Costco crowds get way too worked up over twelve pound cheese blocks.

    There is something wrong with those people, to be sure...

    9:26 PM, December 29, 2006  
    Blogger Nancy Dancehall wrote in a love letter...

    Thanks, Schmoop! Yeah, I HATE going there on a good day.
    Heh.

    And the CHEESE, lovie! It's all domestic too. Whatever will we feed the Elways at the pah-tay?

    lol...that's true, meno. Let the rabble eat Spam. Though at Costco they have a can of Spam as big as a ham. Sam-I-Am. :-) I'll stay safe, but the sane part's long gone.

    Hey, Bud, I couldn't find the plantain recipe. I need a new one!

    What, Sesame Street didn't riot, Jo? ;-) I guess the 'hood is safer than the 'wood.
    And to show I'm not a stereotyping racist, some of my best friends drive Lexuses (Lexi?).

    Oh, I don't bake it ON the fire, Amusing. My kitchen just has a lovely view of the fireplace, so I stare into it dreamily as I stir. A happy little kitchen witch am I.

    No doub, MD! Holidays bring out the worst in people, it seems. And Swedes just seem nice in general. Maybe because they know how to handle the cold?

    I'm curious now, Dantares. I'll be over shortly.

    lol...you can build a nice igloo with twelve pound blocks of cheese, Scott, then eat your way out in the spring. It's a matter of survival.

    9:04 AM, December 30, 2006  

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