I'm Laughing Now, But...
Ok, so I'm not exactly laughing, but I'm happy to say I didn't shed a tear yesterday.
What a day. Kinda like Bud's day.
Here's what happened:
It snowed. A lot. It was still snowing when I had to leave for the doctor's.
I looked everywhere for my one pair of winterish shoes. I couldn't find them so I ended up wearing my vintage canvas Chuck Taylors.
Packed the boyos in the car and turned the ignition. Nothing. Dead car battery.
Moaned 'Woe is me!' Grabbed my purse and ran back into the house to call O on the cell phone. No answer.
Briefly considered canceling the appointment. Decided not to -- stupid, stupid me.
I've got good neighbors. Good neighbors who are generally home during the day. One of them is Andy. I decided to pay him a visit and see if he could lend me a hand. No problem, right?
Well. There was the snow-felled tree blocking his door. But I saw lights inside, so I climbed over it. I mean, I had to let him know about the tree too, right?
He was quite surprised to see the change in his landscaping, and pleased that I'd alerted him to it. So, he drove his car over, hooked up the jumper cables, and I was on my way. Yay! My hero #1 of the day.
Then I couldn't get out of neighborhood. We have a steep hill that had become as slick and treacherous as the side of a pitcher plant. And I was at the bottom of it spinning my wheels, flailing like a fly, as it were.
So I drove the long way round, and dropped off the boyos at daycare.
Then I fishtailed like crazy. But, at least I wasn't out walking in the storm, like the Dwarf and his companion, Tall Man in Dark Coat. Such an odd couple, I thought, as my car skidded sideways past them.
I had no hope of actually slowing down through the school zone where the cop was waiting, so if he pulled me over (good luck catching me) I planned to burst into tears and sob, “The biopsy results are back and my doctor wants to see me RIGHT NOW, so are you going to escort me to her office or not?”
I made it to the corner of Arapahoe and University, the first one in line at the light. As I contemplated the moral implications of lying to a police officer (not many, I decided) I watched the bus making a left turn in front of me skid, and as it lost control and came at my car broadside, the weaker part of me quivered, while the more detached part noticed and counted eleven geese flying overhead in broken formation. I like geese. The bus stopped about a foot in front of the car.
I got to the doctor's and realized my purse was back at home. With my checkbook. And my wallet containing my driver's license. And proof of insurance for the car, which had had it's proof of insurance stickers torn off the license plate a few days ago.
Shrugging, I ran through the parking lot anyway.
Feet froze through slush, 1st time.
Quantum time seemed to be on my side at least, as I arrived five minutes early.
They made me pee in a cup. Why can't one speak to a doctor without peeing in a cup? Do doctors keep cups in their bathrooms at home, for the specific purpose of collecting their guests' pee?
Then I underwent another pelvic exam. Ouch. Then I underwent a rectal exam. Ouch.
This was the fun part of the day.
My doctor, Dr. B., decided after poking and prodding that yes, it probably was indeed endometriosis, but she wanted to be sure there weren't any more surprises in my box of Crackerjacks, so she scheduled an ultrasound for next Thursday. And Dr. S. who did the last laproscopy will probably be doing this one. Best news of the day.
Dr. B walks on water. When Dr. S. goes for a walk, water says, “Oh, I'm sorry! Let me get out of your way. There. Sorry.”
Afterwards, I couldn't pay for my appointment. (all my money was at home, remember?)
Back in the parking lot. Feet froze through slush, 2nd time.
My car battery was utterly dead. And my cell phone was in my purse. At home.
Feet froze through slush, 3rd time.
I used the phone in my Doc's waiting room. I snagged a Reeses from the plastic pumpkin sitting on the counter.
I called O at the bookstore. He decided to send Gerald down to help me.
Feet froze through slush 4th time.
My car didn't have enough juice to lock, but enough juice to think that I had broken into it. The car horn had to die on its own.
Then I got hit by a brilliant idea for the book. It solved a problem or two, and had wide-spread ramifications for future books as well. But guess where my notebook and pen were? I did have scraps of paper, like the brochure explaining laproscopy, and a pocketknife. I considered my alternatives, but decided the slick nature of the brochure paper just wasn't conducive to holding blood, so I unwrapped the Reeses instead.
As I consumed chocolaty, peanut-buttery goodness, I got racked with such great pain that I retched the chocolaty, peanut-buttery goodness into the slush outside the car door.
I closed the door, leaned back and closed my eyes.
Ka-WHAM! A plow truck came through the parking lot and winged my car. I had no ID or proof of insurance, so I let it go. Nor were there any scratches, due to the snow that had piled up in the plow. He kept on trucking.
Then Gerald arrived. My hero. My savior.
Feet froze through slush, 5th time.
I waited in his truck. Waaaarm. He got the car started.
Feet froze through slush, 6th time.
I followed Gerald to an auto parts store, where he bought me a new battery. (No money, remember?)
The new battery was nearly impossible to change without a socket wrench, which Gerald did not have. He left his tools at home.
Feet froze in slush 7th and 8th time ( I stood and kept him company for about 1/2 hour, so I'm counting it twice)
Finally, finally, the battery was changed, the car started. I drove to pick up boyos. Then I remembered I had no money. Which is why I keep reminding you, so that somehow if you get the chance to go back in time, you will remind me.
I drove home. The garage door didn't work.
Feet/slush thing, 9th time.
Getting my keys, I spotted O's new socket wrench set, still in its packaging. Very pretty.
I picked up the boyos. Couldn't think of the Farsi word for 'Endometriosis', so I pointed at my tummy a lot and said she'd be doing some more babysitting soon.
I drove home. The car got stuck in snow halfway in the road, and halfway in the driveway. I rocked the car til I smelled burning rubber.
I pushed the car.
You know the chorus. 10th time.
Finally managed to rock the car back out into the street. Turned around in Andy's nicely-shoveled driveway. Thanks again, Andy.
Then the car got stuck in middle of my driveway.
Got the boyos into the house. Went back out to shovel, so that my in-laws who were coming over to babysit could actually park somewhere near the house.
We ended up dropping the boyos off at the in-laws house instead, to make it easier on them. We went and saw Amadeus – an excellent play. Had the best seats in the house, too. Front row, just off center. Too bad Salieri tended to spit when he spoke.
No, really. The play was excellent.
I slept for seven hours straight, and awoke in the same position I'd fallen asleep in.