Life Among the Never-Winged

Once upon a time I was writing a book called, "Just Another Love Letter", about angels behaving badly. Now I just quietly ask myself each day, "What the hell am I doing?"

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Location: The Rocky Mountain Empire, United States

My friends always knew I was going to hell. My only hope is that God likes good jokes and bad redheads.

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  • Monday, May 08, 2006

    Just Tired

    It was a rough night. Jack was up three or four times, at one point wandering through the house – something he’s never done. I probably managed to get about four hours. I surrendered and got up two hours earlier than I usually do.
    I looked around. Everything was bright
    (oh no)
    and clear; sharp-edged, as if I could slice my hand open
    (no, not today)
    on the edge of a pillow.
    The colors were intense
    (I’m just tired)
    almost to the point of overwhelming me.
    O and I walked to the garden and I said ‘June’ when I meant ‘Illinois
    (it’s been months)
    and ‘diamond’ when I meant ‘dry patch’.
    Everything so bright, so clear, so there.
    It always goes this way, just before it goes away.
    As if to point out what I'm about to lose.
    It starts with a circle of radiating lines, like the end of a child’s bubble wand, right in the center of my vision. Then the circle goes grey. Straight ahead there is nothing. I can blot out your face, blot out the sun.
    Then it spreads. Sometimes evenly, sometimes in a chain, if that means anything.
    A road of grey, of nothing, winding through my field of vision, dividing it into pieces like a mosaic.
    Bright, bright pieces.
    Peek-a-boo.

    I told O, another ocular.
    Any pain?
    No. Not yet.
    G.’s meeting me at the warehouse…
    I’ll be fine.
    I’ll call you…you call me, I can come home after.
    No. It’ll be fine.
    Take aspirin.
    I think I’m just dehydrated.
    And stressed.
    No…
    Yes, you’re stressed.

    Take some aspirin.

    So I did. And four cups of coffee. Caffeine, the substance that holds me together.
    The boyos were understanding. Jack curled up with me, unusually affectionate. And Declan, bless him, actually unloaded the dishwasher by himself, leaving the glasses because they are breakable. He did this on his own. And then he carried three potted Gerber daisies I’d bought the day before out to the garden.
    Amazing kids. They’re three and a half.

    It passed without much pain, except for the reminder that my brain is just a piece of malfunctioning meat that I’m going to have to deal with before much longer. Though I can keep telling myself that it’s only sleep-deprivation, only dehydration, only stress, and that the episodes come and go, come and go, always go, always.

    6 people left me a love letter:

    Blogger Irrelephant wrote in a love letter...

    Please be strong? If you go down then I've got nobody else to look up to!

    7:09 PM, May 09, 2006  
    Blogger Julie wrote in a love letter...

    I've been a way for a few days and just caught up on everything! It sounds like a lot is going on. Your children are dreamy! You are a goodie! Please take care of yourself!

    8:42 PM, May 09, 2006  
    Blogger Jonathon S.B. Tiercel wrote in a love letter...

    ND, Please take care of yourself. Don't hesitate to call M if you need anything. I would help out, but don't think you want the boyos in Baghdad. All my best -

    12:48 AM, May 10, 2006  
    Blogger Bud wrote in a love letter...

    That sounds like such scary stuff. I hope you are doing everything you can to get to the bottom of it and get treatment.

    9:19 AM, May 10, 2006  
    Blogger Lisa wrote in a love letter...

    Oh how scary, to see that looming ahead of you and know you are at its mercy.

    9:20 AM, May 10, 2006  
    Blogger Nancy Dancehall wrote in a love letter...

    Irrelephant: Yikes! You look up to me? I thought you had higher standards than _that!_

    Julie: Sounds like you're happy to be home. My guys are goodies. Dreamy, too.

    JT: I'll be fine. This has been going on a while. M and I had a WONDERFUL dinner together, Chinese food. And, yeah, I think I want to eep the boyos as far away from Baghdad as possible!

    Bud: I'd do more, if I weren't a chicken. But, I think the culprit is migraines.

    Lisa: It blows. I mean, the crispness and clarity is amazing, like digitizing life, but the after effects are not worth the special effects.

    10:02 PM, May 11, 2006  

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